Dear Hiring Manager for Ford Realty Inc.
I would like to apply for the position as a Beacon Hill real estate rental agent. I believe that my educational background and skills make me uniquely suited to this position. So far in life, I have proven myself capable of taking on the challenges required for this position, I worked a year in one of the most dangerous countries in the world and undertaking tasks that no one else wants to do.
As you can see from my tiny-font, 15 page cover letter, I attended a top-level undergraduate university where I excelled at taking on more than I could possibly handle while drinking and smoking heavily while maintaining a high GPA, completing 12 internships, and finding opportunities to travel to Western Europe where I was enthralled by the ancient architecture and many art museums. My travels prompted me to do a semester abroad where I discovered a disdain for “Boston tourists” who travel in packs taking pictures of 50 monuments in a single day instead of spending hours at cafes drinking wine and smoking like i did with the real Europeans. After my study abroad, I completed my senior year with honors on the topic of Erotic Ancient Statues. (Only one in the class, thanks to dad – who owned the University.)
Upon graduation with highest honors, I took a year to backpack around the world to extremely poor countries where I spent most of my time drinking local beers and posing for pictures with the local street children. This experience led me to want to help alleviate poverty. I therefore obtained a volunteer position in which I dedicated a couple of years of my life to living in a mud hut. While I did not have cable television, I was able to use this time to learn curse words in five tribal languages, grow dreadlocks, drive a motorbike, learn to drum, and discover the love of real African woman, (like those babes in the National Geographic Magazines.) These skills will undoubtedly prove essential in my future career as a Beacon Hill rental agent. Should Ford Realty think global I speak several African tribe dialicts.
After this unique African experience, I attended an Ivy league graduate school where I obtained a Masters degree in appearing humble while actually making other people feel inadequate and uninformed. From my peers I soon learned that there is a hierarchy to international work, and I became determined to not just help poor people, but to help the poorest and most desperate people, preferably those living in war-torn countries under military dictatorships where the chance of being kidnapped, blown up, or summarily executed is very high, but lucky for me, my injuries only consisted of male castration – only by working under the very worst of conditions can I prove to myself and my peers that I am in fact I’m a Boston ballsy guy willing to die for a project that is under-funded, poorly planned and probably has little chance of actually helping anyone. No – I wasn’t an Obama volunteer worker. I worked for the U.S. Defense Department.
Anyway, this experience will allow me to live on a permanent adrenaline rush, which will mean that I do not need to use drugs – well, err… …… (anymore) like the way my over-privileged Boston Back Bay, Mass peers do. At the same time, it will allow me to become more arrogant and cynical and give me the credibility needed to scoff at anyone who questions the effectiveness of my past chosen careers.
I’ve recently returned to Massachusetts and landed a cushy job at a university / think tank and I’m being paid an exorbitant amount of money to create business policy guidelines and corporate mission statements that are impossible to implement in the real world. If you don’t believe me ask Governor Romney, he wrote them. Thank God for Ron Paul!
As you can see, I’ve spent the past seven years of my life working unpaid internships for the friends of my semi well-connected parents, and am enormously in debt as a result of my determination to live in the world’s most expensive Massachusetts towns while attending the world’s most expensive graduate school. While my high school friends are married with kids, some with grandchildren, all have houses, and cars, I am still using my parent’s address and couch surfing in a Massachusetts town where a glass of wine costs $12. However, a position with Ford Realty Inc., will enable me to get out of debt, find a sexy female Boston real estate agent and allow me to tell stories about being shot at by rebel armies, while helping people by living in poverty with them.
Thank you for your consideration, I look forward to hearing from you.
P.S. Do not ignore this cover letter because I have cc’d the doctors at McClean Hospital. When you call ask for Dr. Seuss, I’m new – so you may have to ask for the “Special Ward Unit.” if I don’t answer the phone, don’t worry, it’s because of my high level CIA status, it require that my office be covered ub ruubber mats which makes it sound proof, thus I don’t always hear my plastic phone ringing.