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The Presidential election has ruined pizza.

Okay, maybe I overstated that.

Wait, no, I didn’t.

The idea of one person, one vote is all fine and good when it comes to choosing our leaders, but it’s a terrible way to decide what goes on a pizza.

When people get together to make an important decision like this, no one can agree on anything, everyone is selfish about what they want, and they don’t give a flying vote about anyone else.

I’m talking about pizza, not the election

Then, no matter what the majority decides, a group will be upset and angry and thinks the majority are a bunch of slack-jawed bad mouth-breathers.

I’m still talking about pizza.

And there’s always some lunatic who wants some other third choice that’s so out of tune in the unappealing way that if they get what they want, everything you know and love will be forever destroyed.

Still the pizza.

And this is why this election has ruined pizza. Thanks to democracy, people somehow got the crazy notion that everyone’s opinion is equally valid and important. But if you’ve ever met someone who likes pineapple on pizza, you realize that those people are a danger to themselves and others.

Some people may be upset by that and say that their opinions are perfectly valid, but there are people who also believe the Earth is flat too.

Have you’ve been in that situation before watching a Thursday night football game, where it takes 20 minutes just to reach a decision:

ME: Okay, I think we finally got this. So we want a pepperoni, sausage, and mushrooms, with green peppers on one half, right?

FRIEND A: I’m a vegetarian, but I don’t like mushrooms.

FRIEND B: I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening. Do you think Coach Bill Belichick should be fired?

ME: Get out. Both of you.

FRIEND C: I just want a cheese pizza.

ME: What are you, 8? How about we just get you some chicken fingers and a toy? There’s no such thing as cheese pizza, it’s just unfinished pizza.

FRIEND C: Fine, get pineapples on it.

ME: We’re not friends anymore.

The Pizza King has spoken, I’m also Boston real estate broker in my free time, looking for new friends.

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